Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Unsuccessful Removal of "The Rump Radar"

You ever heard of the "rump radar"?  Probably not because my kids invented it.  I am hoping that somehow we can get rich off of its invention but so far, no checks are in the mail.  Here is the definition of a rump radar, it is my definition because MY kids invented it and since they are technically to young to fully explain what it is they have asked me to do it for them. 

It is a radar that detects a sitting/resting/exhausted rump ie.. MINE!!  The little people in this house have magically installed them in certain places around the house but they can't be seen by a grown ups eye.  Trust me I know, I have looked everywhere, tried to find them and flush them but I just can't find one.  This is how I know that they can only be seen by the little people.   They have been installed in my desk chair(the one that coincidentally sits in front of my computer), the dining room chair I use, my bed where I sometimes sit to fold clothes, the couches (where I ONLY sit to fold clothes, what housewife actually has time to just sit on the couch for no reason? Lord knows I don't) and the oddest place of all, the toilet seats.  This is how it works; I sit, 10 seconds pass and the radar (that I can't hear but the little people can) starts going off.  It doesn't matter what they are doing or if they are completely content, when they hear the radar they quickly come up with plan of attack!  "Mama is trying to fold clothes, eat something, check her email or heaven forbid do a little "business"(note the toilet seat radar), let's get her"!!!!  You all know what happens next, "mama I'm thirsty, I need a snack, I need you to hold me, I want to sit in your lap, read me this book, come to my room with me, when are you gonna get back on the floor and play tractors, mama I am playing farmer and I need you to be the cow again, can you come turn my light on etc etc etc......."  I mean jeez they are saying all this usually with a brand new FULL cup of milk and a dang snack in their hand!!!  Here is the kicker, they DO NOT CARE what I am doing, if I am am on my rear THEY NEED ME and this includes, drum roll please.......the potty!!!  These deranged little people not only will not allow me to fold a load of clothes in peace, they won't let me poop in peace either!!!  "I'm gonna sit in your lap while you potty Mama".  Really??  Why??? 

And this is why I hide in the closet to eat, it is the one place they haven't installed the radar.  Yet.


Kristy Brent Wallace

you must not forget the one in the shower/tub!! Mine have also installed a driveway announcer so they hear when daddy/neighbors/guests pull up and all things go to pot so whoever has just pulled up gets to hear mommy raise her voice for the eleventeen millionth time that day!!